My posts are usually light-hearted but this week is different. Full disclosure, although there is a very happy ending, the words you’re about to read are emotional and honest.

From 2015 to 2019 time stood still. My world fell apart and those 4 years were a blur. May is Mental Health Awareness Month and my youngest son, Nic, gave me permission to tell his story. 

Our oldest, Jonathan, left for college in the fall of 2015. We were excited that Nic would have our full attention as he finished his Junior and Senior years in high school. A few months later we noticed a big change in his behavior. He was more reserved than usual, kept his friends at bay, and spent a lot of time in his room. I’ll never forget the day we approached him to talk and he broke down saying “he wasn’t happy and he didn’t know why.” This was just the beginning.

After a complete physical to make sure his body was healthy, we searched for a psychologist. Mind you, mental health back in 2015 was not widely talked about as it is today. As a matter of fact, our local children’s hospital didn’t have a full-time psychologist on staff. The next few years were heartbreaking, and extremely stressful, as we entered a world that was foreign to us. 

My husband and I felt alone. We reached out to doctors and professionals but nobody seemed to be able to help us put a plan in place for Nic. In the meantime, he was cutting himself, not eating, having panic attacks, and numbing his senses any way he could. Nic was diagnosed with bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder, ADHD, as well as, depression and anxiety. He didn’t want to go to school and just wanted to sleep. He didn’t return to the swim team or speech and debate team, both of which he excelled.

With a lot of research, trial, and error, we finally got Nic on a path to wellness with a psychiatrist he trusted along with medication. The adjustment to the right type of meds and doses was a nightmare. My mantra was “one day at a time” and, unfortunately, had to change to “one hour at a time.” Then along came Theo, our cat. It was highly suggested that a pet would give him true companionship and unconditional love. Over the years Theo turned out to be a blessing for Nic AND me. Our once loving, funny, very smart young adult became someone we didn’t know. What I DID know was that my sweet baby was in there somewhere. We had to find him again. I was balancing my life between my job and worrying every minute of every day about Nic. I spent many nights sneaking into his bedroom to lay on the floor just to make sure he was ok. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to leave the house with him unattended. I was too scared. 

He graduated high school and seemed to be looking forward to starting college at Ohio University where Jonathan would now be a Junior. He majored in fine arts. He was and still is an absolutely talented artist which seemed to be the only bright spot in his life at the time.

Even with his brother watching over him, college turned out to be the breaking point.  Nic returned for his second year after a lot of nudging from my husband and me. He struggled every day with deadlines and time management which made him intensely anxious. 

On the night of October 29, 2018, we got the phone call. Nic was rushed to the hospital. He overdosed on his prescribed medication. Thank God he was still alive. Besides hearing his cry for the first time after he was born, hearing his voice on the other side of the phone was the most relief I felt in my life.

We took him straight to our local hospital to the in-patient facility but as he was getting registered, he had a major seizure from the medication still lingering in his body. I was so numb. We were so thankful he recovered physically and was able to enter the program a few days later. When he was discharged he attended an outpatient facility where he worked exceedingly hard to find balance and stability in his life.

Having mental health issues is something that doesn’t resolve quickly and could be a lifelong journey. In January 2019 Nic ended up back in the hospital when he, again, attempted suicide by numbing his mind with substances. He had been faithful to his appointments with his psychologist but his thoughts controlled his actions and heart. Would his body and mind ever be at peace?

Fast forward to the present. I thank God every day for his life. Nic put his heart and soul into his healing. Today, he is living independently, with a sweet cat of his own, financially self-sufficient, and has a job he loves. He is respected by his employees and is successful. He has a healthier mind and is in a really good place in life. There are still some bad days but the good are outnumbering those. 

As a mom whose son survived suicide twice, I have developed stress and anxiety, post-trauma. I try not to let my mind take me back but some days it overpowers me. Nic has learned so much through his journey that he has actually helps me through my challenges. This is one of his many gifts.

There is no way to describe how thankful we are. He taught us many things through his journey and we are so very proud of his accomplishments in less than 4 short years. Mental health issues are very real. The four of us have been through a lot and persevered. We are an incredibly lucky family. 

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or is in distress call 800-273-2855 for help.